*Quick Intro: In the spring of 2018 stage 4 metastatic breast cancer began an intense process of healing on so many levels, this is an update for those interested in my journey*
It’s been a while since I updated and I’m not really sure where to start. The short version would be that living in limbo and being in the “in between” sucks.
I’ve never been good at waiting. At being in between and in a kind of gray area where some things are the same and others seem forever changed.
The most recent scans in September confirmed the cancer is receding (YAY!). I take my pills daily. I go to my scheduled doctor’s appointments and honestly wonder sometimes what the hell is the point. A sub for my normal doc asked ME what the game plan was recently. Seriously?!?! Sometimes it seems the appointments are more for their peace of mind and “checking boxes” than my well being. When that’s the case I’ll happily focus my time and energy on appointments that I get to choose for my calendar.
Through all of that, I wait. I take my meds, I go through my day, I take more meds and I go to bed and start all over tomorrow. I can feel and see the evidence of the tumor shrinking in the breast. But still, I wait because the journey isn’t completed yet and that frustrates the hell out of me at times.
One door (to my old life) has closed. Another door is in the process of opening (to my new life and beyond) but that new door is still only cracked open and I’m still in the hallway.
That hallway can not only feel dark, it can also feel so very lonely and scary. Most of all it can feel like a looong stretch of time still ahead of me. This journey and time in this hallway leaves me feeling more vulnerable than ever before. The game plan from the start was for me to be cancer free this time next year. But right now is right now and that end result can sometimes still feel so far away. I’ve never been good at waiting. I’m action oriented, a planner and doer. Waiting and being in this limbo threatens my sanity at times. Has me questioning whether I’m on the right path and whether I’m strong enough to do this.
As with so much in life, people rally around someone in turmoil at the beginning, then it becomes, if not familiar, less of a concern for those not walking the path. That’s normal and we should all go back to our own lives. But for the one braving the wilderness it can start to get lonely after a while. I do NOT share this for sympathy, if you know me at all you know I don’t need any of that crap sent my way.
So for anyone wondering how I’m doing: Sometimes I sleep and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I think too much. I think about the future a lot, the future I want with potential grandchildren, the legacy I’m building and want to keep building, the impact I want to continue making in the lives of those I love.
I have less and less patience for people with (what I consider) skewed priorities. It’s been noted that I’m a bit more sassy and less filtered. Sharing any piece of this is hard. It’s not natural but it’s honest. I struggle with wanting reassurance and even harder to let people see the things I struggle with at times. I know I need to open up and ask for what I need but being so independent it isn’t natural or easy for me. This limbo and hallway seems to be asking me to get a bit more comfortable with it.
Next steps, I need to reschedule my appointment with the surgeon. I got hit with a SEVERE cold in November that knocked me out for weeks, could you please stay far away from me when you’re sick?!?!?!
I anticipate an argument from the surgeon. They seem resistant to doing surgery when it’s metastatic and they feel it’s gonna get ya! Seriously, this is the mentality I’m dealing with from traditional medicine. I want both boobs gone! I am not planning on doing any of this again, ever. I want this tumor out of my body and let’s not waste time, take both boobs now! It seems like common sense to me, if there’s poison in there, get rid of it and take the other one too. Eliminate the current and potential source.
My primary focus continues to be on energy healing and that is paramount to everything else I’m doing. Fighting every step of the way for my own health care and making sure things happen the way I want them to medically is exhausting. Healthcare is now a soapbox subject for me to say the least.
So I continue to wait and take one step at a time.
I AM proud of myself and how far I’ve come but also want to be honest about the reality of what the “in between” of this time and experience really feels like. Limbo sucks to put it mildly.
What can you do? Please keep making me laugh. It’s ok to ask how I am. My answer may be lengthy and it may be short. Be ok with either one. Depends on my mood. It’s great to get texts that say I love you, am thinking of you and praying for you. It’s great to get cards, notes, etc. It’s great to get hugs. All of this can help me get closer to the next door and out of the hallway.
By: Mel Miller